simplegift

11:44 pm: this is the day
this is the day

i woke up this morning too late to shower, went to bio.. learned about neurotransmitters in the brain..its crazy! these little neurons control our emotions and memories and consciousness..yet all they do is receive stimuli and transmit it. thats ALL they do. our bodies are so amazing.

then i showered..went to lunch in the rain..went w/isa to the zilkha gallery to look at the exhibit and write reactions. it was of iraqi prisoners..torture..blood. naked men handcuffed and made to emulate sexual positions. men being threatened by dogs..trying to hide their nakedness and backing into a corner.. there was this one picture of a white woman soldier cleaning up an iraqi man's wound. she had her thumb up in the photo. i wanted to stab her in the face! its YOUR fucking fault hes cut up, now you're gonna go wipe it up and feel good about yourself. ughhh

then i went home, worked on my resume for this winter job shadowing i wanna do in ny..went to the campus center for a traverse square meetinng..went to work and was the TOP CALLER today :-D so i got an extra hour of work. that was cool.

now im back in the beautiful room, need to read this book and write a paper on it. CANT WAIT. nah its actually a good book.

miss u guys. is anyone gonna be home this weekend?

10:07 pm: I'm half white. I've always wanted to reject it, I HATE when people mistake me for being white. Because I don't feel that I've lived the "white experience" whatever that is. I want to just be Filipina. I don't want to be white. But maybe that's not fair because I'm not acknowledging the privileges that I've experienced by having a white father--my dad hasn't had to deal with racial stigmas, he's had it much easier in this world because he is a white man. And because my father is a white man, I've in turn gotten these privileges passed onto me because he's my dad. And i have light skin privilege. And I could probably pass for white. I hate that. I don't want to see myself as white. but i've been wanting so badly to fit into this "student of color" framework, feeling inauthentic and illegitimate, not "ethnic enough" and thats fucked up. I need to just accept the fact that half of me is white. and as much as I identify as Filipina, I need to identify with being white. Or else I'm just not acknowledging the priviliges that I have. And that's not fair.

ahhhhhhhhhh

01:25 pm: (i just thought this was beautiful)

This is how we live on earth, a flock of sparrows.
The darkness, a magician, finds quarters

behind our ears. We don't know what life is,
who makes it, the reality is thick

with longing. We put it to our lips
and drink.

-ilya kaminsky

11:39 am: yesterday i went out w/ PINOY, the philippine group from campus. its was fun :-D we had lunch @ this caribbean place then went on a quest for bubble tea! i had the almond flavored tea w/ black jelly things. mmm mm mmm :P then we went to this park n played frisbee, went into the pearl paint store (i bought a watercolor set for $7! wohooo ), i bought some hot curlers for my sisters prom ( im supposed to do her hair..its gonna be hot ;), n had dinner @ this malaysian place after running into 3 other asian students from wes. and now my parents are gone on some church annual conference n im supposed to watch my sister.

hmm..home alone...

10:01 pm: Today I thought i had slept in so late and it was only 11..WEIRD! In college it was so easy to sleep till 3. Then i helped my mom around the house. that was fun. then i went to park slope and got my hair cut :-O! Nothing drastic, its not much shorter. But I got a side bang :D Its fun to play w/. I think i play w/it too much tho..its so weird having hair in my eyes. I'll have to get used to it.

So tomorrow I go back to church. i wonder how that'll be .. I hope people don't ask me if i went to church @ school. that'll be awkward. ughhh i have to get up so early though..8 am service! ughh ughh ughhhh

-i <3 keiko matsui
-my job isn't everyday n i should find somewhere to volunteer or something..any ideas

11:04 pm: oooo im posting again. YEs. I'm on a rollllllll.. Guess who got a JOB today @ nbc experience working w/carami, nicole, AND shantell??? meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :-D After all that searching, FINALLY employed. so I don't have to work tomorrow..free time..hmm..what should i do?

today was really nice :) hung out w/ shantell, carami, winnie, nicole a lil bit @ the store.. i missed u guys :**( . maybe this summer wont be so bad after all.

i really wanna paint a picture. i dont know anything about paint, though. is it cheap?

11:04 am: maybe now that i'm home I'll write in this more since i have NOTHING TO DO until i find a job. well there is that job im supposed to start tomorrow...ehh. but i don't want to spend everyday on the streets trying to convince new yorkers to sponsor a child. its not fun. whatever. i really hope this summer is productive. I'm so afraid of getting stuck in a rut and not moving anywhere..thats kinda what being home makes me feel like sometimes. Like I'm stuck. as much as I love my family..they just love those rules. so I am literally stuck. ok sorry if im not making any sense. DAMN its hard to get over someone. what's up w/that anyway? it was never this hard before. its so dumb...we werent even in love or anything. ok. moving on..

oh, funny story. last night that song 'whisper in your ear' came on and i was filming myself dancing to it w/my little sisters digital camera (dont act like nobody else does that..) and my dad walked in :-O! n i had to play it off like i was just dancing innocently n hope he didnt notice the camera. whoops/ he prolly did see it..

11:48 pm: Dear pop culture
Stop writing music that
romanticizes
pathetic
desperate,
broken lovers

Let’s all be whole people
with some dignity

thanks.

so i wrote this really long update a couple days ago and then my computer froze. i dont think i was meant to keep up with livejournal. anyway, its the last week of papers n then ill be here for senior week :D that should be fun. i think im gonna get my hair cut like this-->

http://www.wam.umd.edu/~shahabs/ashlee-simpson.jpg
[im getting bored w/my hair..well see)

05:53 pm: I wanna go, I wanna go
to a place I can call my own

I wanna be, I wanna be
Somewhere I
At least
belong

When you’re a touch of this and a touch of that
You lose because you have no legitimacy

And just saying you love something
doesn’t make it yours

Laying in bed and listening to the fan
Whir
Back and forth spreading the
Breeze
Carries me back to that home far away

Sleeping in the Philippines was
Green warmth and
Sticky sweetness
Dew in the grass soaks through your sneakers
Though
I rarely wore sneakers—usually just
Chinelas or bare feet

Laying in bed and
Listening to the fan whir the hot sticky air
waking up to tricycle engines or
The man selling “balllooooot”

I know I won’t have pan de sal with
cheese wiz for breakfast
Still,
I can pretend and allow the fan to
Carry me back

Though I know
I’m too “Americanized” now

----



Mommy, Mommy this shouldn’t be so complicated
Daddy gave me such light skin and
All this privilege you
Gave me color

When I’m with my Dad people think I’m his young lover because
I don’t look like him

When we walk through the Philippines I feel like my skin is screaming
“Foreigner! Americano!”
With
my elitist mannerisms like
“Let’s take a taxi. I need a break from the heat and pollution and
Poverty”

I can’t even speak Tagalog fluently
My cousins are always translating

Ang pangalan ko ay Lisa. My name is Lisa.

Kumusta ka na?
Mabuti po. O po. Ay, sige. Salamat. Mahal kita.

I love you.

Even what I can say I’m afraid to
say because of the accent
I used to make fun of my dad for
It sounded ridiculous then
when I was legit
light-skinned but fluent
young enough to not be ashamed
of
being from nowhere

I wanna go, I wanna go
to a place I can call my own

Or at least
Somewhere I belong

08:27 pm: wow..im not doing so well with this whole 'get focused' thing. i really need to but theres so much distraction. right now I am GOING to do work. school work. right now.

04:37 pm: some quotes from the nuyorican:
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

once the i love yous have died
and the sweet sweat has dried
i still feel empty inside

a man who does not love himself
will never accept you as his own

----

being a lady is not always conducive
to what a woman's gotta do

your virtues are not determined by your ideals
but by your reality

------
politicians sign bills
fit for companies, not civilians

"take one daily to avoid humiliation"
or at least that's what the commercials say

------
this is the place where Bill Gates is profiled
and Denzel Washington is Bat Man

------
pimps don't care if hoes can read
they just care if they have proper dick-tation
-----

My name is Mr. Hippie
I'll live in the ghetto to
get life experience

-----
I bust mine
I bust mine
brainwash us to think
I must grind
I must grind

------
i sit here and think to myself "what the fuck is he saying?"
with his poetic piece of shit
You're deep like kiddie pools
put down the thesaurus and pick up a dictionary

------

(describing the midwest)
Oh say can they see...?
...Osama?

-------
United States
the sweet bitch that tolerates
the stench of the lynched
-------
ruthless caucasians
think if they have one black friend
they're not racist

----------
blood falls to the floor
he picks it back up
and puts it in his back pocket

12:42 pm: we went the nuyorican last night and guess who just happened to stop by?

MOS DEF.

he was right there. and he performed twice and i got really lightheaded. and then he just walked out afterwards and we just sat there, wanting to run after him, but too stunned to do anything. hahhhahahhhahahaa I SAW MOS DEF!!! I was in the front row!!! ahhhhhhhh



btw, why cant people handle things that are real?

01:06 am: I just saw Hotel Rwanda. It was really well done but also really hard to watch. .......ughahhh

I keep typing things and erasing them because I don't even know how to talk about it. All I have are images in my mind of the worst cruelty and death and families torn apart and streets covered in corpses. 800,000 people murdered-Rwanda isn't that big! It must have been covered in dead bodies. I don't even know what to do, how to deal with it, what to think. Its outside the realm of my experience-its so much more horrible than anything I've ever experienced and I can't even wrap my mind around it. How can human beings be so cruel? I know that it's naive but I don't want to believe it. I want to believe that all people are good inside. Are some just insane? Are some just so consumed with hate that it overrides any other human tendency? I want to blame someone. But I feel like such a hypocrite. Where does MY money go? How do I spend my time? What does my world revolve around? myself..?

And even if I did spend all of my time and money trying to make some sort of difference, what difference would it actually make? My friend Isa said "I don't think donations are enough. Let's not be naive. Of course, the solution is always the hardest part. Caring should be easy."

There's one scene that really sticks out in my mind- a media group had gotten footage of the Hutu militia murdering Tutsi civilians. The main character, Paul, was hopeful that when this footage was broadcasted, the world would respond and send aid. But the guy who shot the footage told him not to be so hopeful. He said "they'll see this and think 'oh, that's horrible!' and then they'll go back to eating their dinner."

After we saw the movie, we went out for ice cream. We cheered up and were able to push aside what we had just seen.

I read an article about the genocide in Sudan.

"So far few aid agencies have been able to penetrate the region because of continuing violence."

"The few groups who are there have sent back alarming reports of impending starvation and mass death . . . "

"So far US officials have been careful not to follow the lead of aid groups and call the crisis genocide. Under UN law, member countries, including the United States, are required to intervene when genocide occurs."

In the movie, Paul encouraged everyone hiding out in his hotel to make as many phone calls as possible to all of their important connections and "shame people" into sending help. Why do people have to be shamed into caring?

The Rwandan genocide ended in 1994. I was 8 years old, living in Baltimore. I remember being 8 and I never could have imagined that what was happening was happening. I had no idea- I'm pretty sure I believed that we were past wars- that wars were just history. The genocide in Darfur, Sudan is taking place RIGHT NOW. And I still can't wrap my mind around it. But my life definitely needs to stop being all about me.

03:30 pm: is this new pic better? or is it weird too... i dont have much to choose from!

11:55 am: I really wanted to run on the treadmill but I couldn't find my sneakers. I ran anyway-just a mile- and now my calfs/ankles/feet are KILLING me!! :( Don't ever run a mile with no sneakers on.

I got a new bike yesterday! It was my xmas present. I <3 <3 <3 it ! I never rode bikes in brooklyn...but @ college i'm constantly borrowing my friend's bike to go to work. But hers got stolen b4 break..so now she can borrow mine! It rides so smoooooth. I think it was in my dream last night..I was going through a haunted house on the bike or something. I don't remember..

And my sister got a digital camera- that was fun. We took all these crazy picts and 3 videos. we wont go into detail...hehe. no but really they were funny. not sketchy. just funny.

03:05 pm: Well, it's New Years Eve. A lot happened in 2004- we graduated from high school..I spent my summer working in the streets trying to get people to talk to me, in the Philippines with my aMaZiNg cousins & family and at the beach, spending last moments with good friends before going off to college...driving to college...getting OUT of the car..yiikes..crrazy orientation week..not sleeping..bonding w/housemates...discovering how unique and special and wonderful my housemates are (2hunnit!) ...meeting people outside of the house..going to class...writing papers in the middle of the night..discovering that you don't actually have to do all the reading..but that it's cool for your own knowledge. I discovered that I enjoy anthropology..but I still think there's something weird about going into other people's communities and studying them. I discovered that I can write a good paper, especially when I'm interested in the topic. I discovered that it's worth it to stay up all night talking to a friend..that it's ok to put aside other stuff to have a good conversation because relationships and connections with people are just as important as ANYTHING else. But that I should stop procrastinating and be more deliberate about doing my work. I discovered that being dumped SUCKS and that its sooo hard to get over someone you can't have. And that you should listen to your friends but listen to yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST because even those close to you often have ulterior motives. You don't need to base all of your decisions on what others tell you- sometimes you already know the answers. And sometimes it's ok to not know the answers--sometimes it's better to just live the experience-- to live and embrace the questions. I learned that I can get up in front of a whole group of people and use my voice and that other people are interested in what I have to say. I learned I don't need to "make something of myself" because I'm already someone--growing and learning every day--but a good person nonetheless. And that you don't always have to agree with your family. And that a lot of lessons have to be learned through experience. I know I made a lot of mistakes and didn't make all of the best decisions this year--but I can definitely say that I lived and experienced and learned. And I think that makes for a successful year.

11:12 pm: I'm home! I'm looking forward to
#1- sleeping
-writing
-making xmas cards (sorry guys...i have $7 left on my debit card..)
-eAtInG
-vegging
-bubble baths
-my bed (i guess I already said sleeping)
.........do we see a common theme?
-oh yea, there's CHRISTMAS. I'm leaving for ohio on monday to see the fam :)
-i'm prolly gonna be in church for new years..as usual

-SEEING PEOPLE I HAVEN'T SEEN IN FOREVER ... making some phone calls !

-thinking about how i can be a better student/person next semester..i need to time manage. i waste too much time and i don't sleep enough. and i don't exercise enough. some adjustments will have to be made. any tips? what's working for people? i wanna do well in school & be organized but I'm such a BAD procrastinator. and i'm not going to be healthy for long if i continue on this "i dont need any sleep" path. so yea i need to balance my life

those are my thoughts...

09:36 pm: !@#$!% i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him......

i sent him a text that said: i miss u:(

but i know he doesnt get texts

03:44 am: I did a lot of thinking
Last summer
In that jeepney
Bumping down the dirt paths of
Basay, Philippines

Rice patty after rice patty after rice patty
Flew by as
Thought after emotion after idea
Poked at my conscience

I pulled my legs in for comfort

We had just visited my Lolo
My gramps
Living with four other people
Two little kids

It’s a hideout in the corner of a concrete block
Concealed at the end of a narrow alley

The door was so small
We had to duck to get in

The bathroom was outside
Just a toilet bowl
No seat
Dirt floor
Concrete walls

And a big hole in the roof

There’s a little spigot
And a bucket
To bathe

But the water wasn’t running

When I came out of the bathroom
The two little girls
Who lived with my Lolo
were waiting

They wanted to see the expression on my face

Water always runs in the U.S. of A
And it runs hot
Or cold
Or warm

I don’t have holes in my roof
And tiles line my bathroom
floor

I lived in the Philippines
10 years ago
We used to make paper dolls
And paper doll houses from old shoe boxes
I used to hang a clothesline across the top
And hang paper clothes

We used to catch dragonflies
And bring them home
Sometimes we pulled off their wings
So they couldn’t fly away

We used to race each other
Barefooted to grip
The long cement path
That led to our building

Just watch out for glass

For Christmas
We sang carols door to door
For coins

At the end
We distributed the wealth

When I got to the U.S. of A.
My mom, my dad, my little sister, and I
Went grocery shopping
In Atlanta, Georgia
Our first stop
My dad was so happy to be home in the U.S. of A.
He bought everything I asked for
I felt like a true Americana

In the U.S. of A. I stayed inside more
I watched 101 Dalmatians over and over
I didn’t run as much
I started thinking my thighs were too big
And that I didn’t have enough clothes
And that maybe I needed makeup

-pause-

Sunlight glazes banana leaves gold
In the Philippines
Roosters were my alarm clocks
Adventures were my pastime
My community was my family

But what am I trying to say?

Am I trying to compensate
For the fact that I’m only half Filipina
And half White American
Half oppressor
Half oppressed
A little of both
Yet not enough of either?

Am I trying to work out the
Meaning of the fact that I’m the whitest of my Filipino cousins
and have more than all of them
Yet the brownest of my father’s family
And compared to them have a
“cozy” house and offer an
“exposure trip” every Thanksgiving when they come to visit
Brooklyn

I want to share my voice
and listen to yours
I want to tell you that I love the Philippines
And the U.S. needs to stop oppressing people
I want to say that we shouldn’t romanticize poverty
And that I’m afraid to speak
But I’m doing it anyway
Because its time

I want to say that I have no idea how to end
Because I don’t have an answer
But maybe I just need to
Live the questions
for now

03:39 am: crazy day! dancing around in wellies! not studying for finals! eating lotsa cookies! singing with the pinoy group! soc brunch! older people who care about us! dancee! boom boom room !!!